7.16.20

Just so my blog doesn't get flagged as inactive :)

Anyway, reading the blog reminded me that I tried to add you on Facebook the other day to see how you were doing. I checked back today and saw you denied my friend request but that you were in a relationship with Kyla. Your ex! I can't tell if that kid is yours or if it's her kid with someone else. You guys look happy. I'm glad. Now, I'm kinda just confused again. We're you actually confused before? Are you actually gay? Are you bi? Or did you just want to get rid of me?

Either way, I'm glad that you're happy. You're 27 now. Wow. How time flies. You matured so much. I'm happy for you.

Supposedly day 3.

So, it turns out I missed day 3 of the Misa de Gallo because the 8-9pm mass is anticipated for tomorrow morning. Just my luck.

12/17/13 - 0633am Forgiveness. Find peace and salvation in the Lord.
0715am
There's that feeling again. That slight pinch in my heart. It's 7:16am now. I've been so used to waiting for 07:30 because that's when Bryan gets out of work. Stop. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about him. Learn to accept things you can't change. Please.
0128pm
I feel like crying. Hopefully I don't. Everything seems to remind me of him. Did we spend that much time together? Is it because I was preoccupied with thoughts of him then, so now that he's gone, everything still seems to be about him? "Tookie."
0143pm
I feel kinda sad. Hmm.
0152pm
"Hand in hand with pain and suffering." Don't fret. You'll get over this.
0217pm
I'm sad and it's killing me. I want to cry. Should I?
0308pm
I think if I don't try to stop it, I'd be crying right now. I feel lifeless.
0310pm
I remember when he was crying on skype, he was pretending to be sleepy and was yawning when his mom came. Maybe so they wouldn't wonder what happened or why he was crying. Bryan.. My Bryan. My baby. Why were you sent to me? I still love you. Deep down inside me, it's like I still hope for us to happen. Why is that? Pls. stop thinking about him.
0348pm
There were times when I didn't want to go to sleep because every time I tried to lay down, tears would automatically fall from my eyes. However, when I do fall asleep (after 40+ hrs of being awake), I don't want to wake up because being asleep means I don't get to feel anything for a few hours. I'm sad. I feel alone. Someone save me.
0438pm
For me, it felt like we were made for each other.. like we belong to each other. How you were made for me. It felt like we were meant to be...
0448pm
I think if I don't cry tonight, I will one of these days.
1145pm
I didn't cry last night and I felt ok when I woke up today. Yay. Anyway, why did I get the feeling that he was jealous of Nick Frolov in the past? He even seemed jealous of Lloyd as well. Why did he seem to get upset of the people I played with? Was I just imagining things? Why did he talk shit to/about almost everyone we played with? I guess I missed another important sign--he was too sensitive. He would always leave a group call because he was pissed and would refuse to join again, so what I would do because he's the only reason I'm in the call anyway, is I'd leave the call and call him. I was actually happy that it was just a call between me and him. I was secretly happy whenever that happened.
12/18/13 - 1227am
Kung alam mo lang, Because I'm a girl by Kiss.
0109am
There will always be those sad and lonely times/days, but believe that you will get over this storm. You WILL find someone who'll make it clear to you why it never worked out with the rest. Or maybe someone will find YOU.
0144am
I'm so weak. I gave in again. I checked my old snapchat to see if he would try to contact me. I left his last snapchat unopened even though I've seen what's in it through snapcapture. His score is now 6,800. I had to resist the urge to login his account to check/see who sent who the snapchat.
0146am
Right now the fkn karaoke people are seeing "Just give me a reason" by Pink. That one song that always reminds me of him, Bryan. I can still remember him singing it out of tune. I can still remember myself saying "I don't like that song. It makes me sad." He answered that the song played in the car with his grandfather before/after he picked Bryan up to go golfing. I think I came from Kaiser LA after volunteering that day.
0147am
I can still remember when I first started volunteering for Kaiser. I remember him inviting me to play league of legends and I would reply using the android chat app. I remember checking his match history to see if he played with snuffbunny (Laura). I remember driving in the streets of LA, typing a text message that contained the things I wanted to tell him. Something along the lines of "I was just sad that you chose to play with her than talk to me." Then he said "I asked if you wanted to play and you said no." I was tired then and I was expecting you (and wanted you/hoped for you) to want to just talk to me before I went to bed. That never happened though. That expectation. It was always what you wanted. I would stop everything I do to talk to you. I don't play so I can watch you and hear you play on skype. When you sleep, I don't play either because I was afraid that I would lag and get disconnected and the call would end. Whenever our skype call ended while you were sleeping, I felt so sad. That's why I was beyond happy when you agreed to leave skype on automatic call those 2 nights (11/28 and 11/29). 11/30 was when I went out to watch a movie with my friend; that was the night you went out to dinner with Ryan's family and Tawnya. That was the night where you went go-carting without telling me. That was the night where you were already home, but you kept telling me excuses that you were talking to your mom. I didn't believe anything. I asked you to leave skype on and you said you would. I get home and I couldn't contact you. I called you, I think, more than 20 times until you woke up and said "I did leave skype on." But no, you didn't, Bryan, because if you did, I would have been able to call you. 12/01 was when Ryan stayed at your place and you wouldn't answer. Well, my calls were answered because your skype was on automatic answer. Every time the call was answered, all I'd hear was you and Ryan laughing and the sound of the skype call hanging up. That was the night I broke it off. That was the night I was walking away and wanted you to stop be by giving me what I wanted--me calling you, but you didn't give it to me. You even told me to "Leave, idc anymore." I guess you really never did. You just wanted me there for the attention and affection and care I showed you unconditionally. We went on for days without talking, 4-5 days, I think. On 12/04, I found out that I passed my board exam and you were the first and only person I wanted to tell and share the great news with. Now that I think about it, I wasn't able to tell you during a time when we were ok. I told you that I passed when I was crying on skype--when I found out your deepest, darkest secret. I think I found out on the morning of 12/05 or 12/06. On 12/07, I think we talked. I don't remember when you went out to eat at a diner with your friends, then there was that night before that when you were drinking with your friends and I could vaguely hear you say "Brad is a good looking guy." After the day at the diner, you told me you got tickets for the Canucks game. I was watching that Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock movie then. I remember telling you "In the movie, they suspect him of being gay. What are the chances?" Then you said you'll talk to me later because you were charging your phone. There was also that night when I was watching "If only" and we were on skype. I was resting my back on the couch (from where I did the thing on skype for the first time). The call lasted an hour or so until you said you were gonna go and play Tyler because he told you to call. "Tyler told me to call. He usually tells me that when he wants to duo. Is that ok? I'll call you later." I think that was the day when I gave you your facebook password back given that you tell me the new password. You said "I'll let you know if I change it." Then you changed your password and it got me mad so I changed it back again. I said "you think you can outsmart me. I'm always a few steps ahead. Lol. You're so cute, Bry." That was when I changed your league passwords, too. That was when you took back what you said about being gay. You said it wasn't true and that you only said it to get your "stuff" back. After that, you admitted it again (0206am).
0208am
It's so weird how I can still remember everything clearly.
0232am
Just finished playing Kog'Maw. I remember you used to play him a lot bot lane with me, with that 1350 skin. Sigh, what's wrong with me? Why do I still allow myself to think about you?
0407am
To think I even imagined having kids with you. It's like I had a future plan for us in my head already. "I gifted you that infernal nasus skin." "I know."
0619am
"I love cuddling."
0701am
Meh.
0952am
I guess him having long hair and stretching before were also signs. And that photo I have of him with his new haircut, checking the fridge, with a hint of a smile was also a sign.
1109am
At least Bryan Fajardo is nice. Imagine how it'd feel if Bryan was like him.
1137am
Idk if it's all just a coincidence that there were signs about gay people before I found out about Bry. The movie Janette and I watched, Cyries' gay-looking bf, the gay trans in "Orange is the new black." Hmm, there's more but I'm too exhausted to think about them. Maybe later.
1141am
Maybe it's karma for laughing at Cyries' boyfriend.
1203pm
The image of Bryan's broad shoulders, that candid photo of him in the skate park looking very masculine and hip-hoppy on his bike. That manly stance. How can he be gay? Why am I feeling like this again? Pls. stop. Pls. expel these unwanted thoughts from my mind.
1205pm
Stop. Stop. Stopppp. Stop it.
1209pm
Those broad, sturdy shoulders.. That ripped abdomen. Those veins on his arms. Pls. stop.
1210pm
I think I type everything I remember because I don't ever want to forget. It's like I want to preserve every moment I remember about him. It's like I'm afraid to forget.
1215pm
Whenever you told me something without looking at the cam. "He's a crackhead." You looked like you didn't care, but I could still see through you. The halo lifts as the person exits your life. We will become strangers once again.
1029pm
On my way to church, I logged in on my old snapchat and deleted him from my list once again. I kept saying to myself, "the halo lifts as the person exits your life, and you become strangers once again." Hopefully it works.

Misa de gallo.

Day 2.

12/17/13 - 0300am I even fantasized about sucking his dick. All those times I thought of him when I was.. Disgusting. Oh well, nothing I can do. I should'nt stress about things I can't change.
0607am
Just got home from church. I promised I'd remove any identifying information from my blog, so that's what I'm going to do. If thought of him enter my head, I will think of the Lord. Maybe Bryan really was sent by God to guide me back to the Lord. Maybe I am that lost sheep and Bryan was an angel sent by the Lord to bring me back to him.
0610am
I cannot let myself dwell on the past, on things I can't change. Lord, you know what's inside my heart. You know the pains, the heartaches, and the hurts. You know what I want, but you also know what I need. I give you everything. Ikayu na pu ing bahala kanaku.
0613am
The igns/screen names he used probably to make himself believe that he was not gay. TheVaga..., Chatte..., TeenyPoo..., itouchlilgirlz. Anyway, whatever.
0624am
I decided to not put the whole igns because I think those count as identfiying information.

Love always,
Lannballs

What's new?

Today.

12/15/13 - 1009pm You made me feel worthless. You made me believe that only you can make me feel loved, though ever so rare that you made me feel loved and cared for. You treated me like shit and I accepted all of it. They say "we accept the love we think we deserve," and I think it's very true. I remember telling you "I deserve better," but I'm thinking to myself, do I really deserve better? (1011pm).
1022pm
My boyfriend had a fake facebook account under the name "Jake Hansen." That's probably the account he uses to have cybersex with other faggots online. Maybe it's full of nudes of his dick he sends to other guys because he changed his password. If I wanted to, I can probably hack everything again. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have told him that I knew the password for the soccer_ruler email address. But meh. Anyway, whatever.
1032pm
I finally stopped typing and updating my blog. Ok, later.
1038pm
He said I could tell my friends that he was gay as long as I didn't tell his friends. Well, the internet is my friend. I'm as lonely as it gets and he's as gay as they get. #Bitter.
12/16/13 - 0200am
"I dunno. Something about you." "When we don't talk, I just think about you all day." Dickwad.
0244am
Tell me how I can start over without continuously craving your presence by my side :/
0320am
Maybe if we broke up because of another girl, then I'd be motivated to actually lose weight. But we broke up because I found out that you were gay. I know that no matter how much weight I lose and even if I was the most beautiful girl in the world, it wouldn't make a difference. I can't say I'm losing weight to make you realize what you've lost because it's pointless. I know you'll never look at me the way I had always hoped you to.
0802am
Typed a couple of thoughts on my phone about signs that he was gay way before I found out. I guess my subconscious tried to suppress the suspicion that he was gay because I loved him. But anyway, maybe in a few days I'll remove his name. Right now, I'm not fully ready. But, I prayed earlier about everything. I'll try not to contact him for now.
1110pm
To think I was even imagining having little mixed, white kids with you. Wow. I was thinking how life would be in the future with you. I was thinking I'd be working hard and you'll still have some low-paying, minimum job, and I was ok with that. Lol. Wow. Things I would settle for for someone I love. That's why I was even telling you to go back to school and get your GED. I was already thinking of things I'd tell my family and friends abut your educational/social background. I was also happy and ecstatic that both my mom and I had white boyfriends. I even wanted to tell you about it. I guess I didn't and I guess that's a great thing. Anywhoo, I'm going to buy some RP and play league of legends. This stupid fucking game that cost me so much time, money, and heartache. This stupid game led me to you. This is how me met, and this is where it all began. The tragedy that crushed my heart from day 1. I was imagining how it'd be meeting your mom! I was imagining that when I go to Canada to visit you, that I'd stay at your place. I stay there and go shopping while you go to work. You come back home with things and clothes I've bought you, and all your friends look at you with envy thinking "wow, Bryan is so lucky for having her." I guess all those things will never happen. But I wish they can happen with another guy. I wish I could find a boy who would love me for me, care for me the way I cared for you, and need me in his life. One where I wouldn't have to chase him. One where I wouldn't have to beg him to stop me from walking away. One who I won't have to give an ultimatum for him to show me how much he really loves me. Ok, I'm just ranting now. Latersss (1118pm).

Update

1130pm That's why you said you didn't care about my body or how I looked, because you never saw me that way. That's why you faked that relationship status on facebook. That's why you didn't want anyone to know. Because maybe if people knew, then they would keep asking you questions about it and you were afraid you'd get exposed. Or maybe you were afraid that if people knew, then your chances of scoring with another MAN would likely be impossible. That's why. 

It's Lannballs.

Hey Bryan, my faggot "boyfriend."

Cont.

12/15/13 - 0845pm

I totally put his name on my blog. I wonder if he or anyone he knows in real life will ever find it? Why am I doing this? Am I feeling guilty? Will I ever remove the identifying information on my blog? I'm not sure why I added those tags and labels on my posts. It's like deep inside me I want to out him. I want people to know his secret. I guess I still feel bitterness and anger in my heart. If I ever get readers, I'm not sorry. You can say what you want, but this is my blog. I will write, say, and post whatever I feel like it. Sorry if you don't feel the same way. You didn't experience the pain I felt, so don't be quick to judge me.
0850pm
Ooh btw, I wonder if Tyler knows that Bryan is gay. He frequently calls him "babe." Not sure if that's just a joke, but I get this strong feeling in my gut. I think Ryan might be gay as well. I'm not sure. They all live sick, twisted lives.
0852pm
I'm not sure why I started this blog. I think I wrote this blog to deal with the pain. Or maybe secretly, I wanted to expose him, but I couldn't do it directly. So, I'm kinda doing it behind his back. I don't know what I wanted to accomplish. I wonder why it doesn't feel good that I'm doing this. Maybe I just don't want him to use other girls and hurt them like he hurt me. I wonder what his motive is for talking to Alicia and Billie again on Snapchat. I want to tell him to stop, but I have no right to ask him do things for me anymore. I wonder if Ryan and Tyler changed their names. They probably always talk shit about me and laugh when they thing about the things I did. They have no idea. Or do they?

Update

0905pm Hmm, I'm wondering I should post a photo of him. Maybe the videos of him jacking off will come out soon? Can my conscience handle it?
0916pm
I remembered earlier in church. "Hey, the only thing that's been up there is a finger." How did I forget to ask you if that was Ariel who did that, since you said she was the only girl you fucked. How did you get off having sex with her if you weren't attracted to her or other females. I guess it was just another lie. Another lie I believed.
0930pm
I think I know why I'm doing this. I'm sad, mad, hurt, depressed, I don't even know anymore, that you left me broken. I'm still upset. Very much upset over it.
0934pm
I'm kinda tired of this. I spent hours typing and transcribing my thoughts in this little sticky note on my laptop. I'm gonna go watch "Catch me if you can" for a bit. Ttyl self.
0937pm
After 3 mins., I'm back! Lol. I never believed in long distance relationships, but after I met you and fell in love head over heels, I believed in it. Or wanted to. I wanted us to work so bad. I wanted so bad to see you. To meet you. To hold you. To hug you. To be with you. To do things normal couples do. Now, all those hopes and dreams of being with you are all gone. They're still in my heart and I still think about them sometimes, but whenever I do, my heart stings and I feel the the sadness, the loneliness, the pain, the anger, the hurt, the bitterness, and the confusion all over again.

Signed with love,
Lanny, "Lannballs," the "retarded, creepy ass bitch."

Typical Lanny

Meh.

12/14/13 - 0953pm
Honestly, who would have thought that someone like Bryan was gay? Ripped body. Interest in manly things.. sigh. Whatever.
12/15/13 1227am
I recently just found out my boyfriend of 10 mos. was gay. I was so depressed. It feels like everything I believed in was a lie. I want to understand why he did it. He's in the closet. He didn't come out to me. I know it's wrong, but I snooped in his emails and found out. He said no one else in the world knows and that he's trying to "change" because he does not want to be gay, yet he also says that it's "too late now." He just turned 19 and he said he's known since he was 14. I want to understand the reason why he did this. He knew I loved him very much and that I cared a lot about our relationship. If he knew this, why would he keep me knowing that it will hurt me if I find out?
1230am
Oh, btw. At first, he said he was bi, but I knew it wasn't true. Even before, I never believed bi men existed. I always thought that if you ever fantasized (or have done things with men), if you ever sucked a dick, penetrated another man's asshole, or got your asshole penetrated, AND ENJOYED IT, then you're most definitely gay. I think some gay men just say they're bi to make it look/sound better. But I don't believe the idea of it.
1232am
I don't understand. One minute, I feel bad for him. The next minute, my heart is full of bitterness and anger. There's a part in me that's lost and want to contact him to see how he's doing. The other part knows that he will be the douche bag he's always been and try to kill me with words once again. I know he will try to deny it again. That's the thing, if I become friends with him again, I want him to be completely honest. I can't stand dishonest people. If it's one thing that pisses me off, it's people who lie to my face.
1236am
Here I am. I was sitting here for the past 30 mins., watching gay porn trying to imagine Bryan fucking another man's asshole. I want the thought of it engraved in my head so I can be disgusted and move on. I was disgusted a bit, but mostly I didn't know what was going on in my head. It's like this jumbled mass of wires. I went from watching gay porn to researching what's "inside a gay man's mind" and "gay man with girlfriend why." It's like I'm trying to find answers. I'm trying to find people who've been through the same situation as me. Then I saw a post that said the first step to the coming out process is (1) self-acceptance; (2) coming out to a friend--this is what got me thinking again; I promised him I wasn't going anywhere when we were together, then I found out my dearest Bryan was gay and once again he said that he expected me to "leave," and I promised that I wasn't.. I said I was going to be there for him because I knew how hard it was for him. But, I left.. I left like I always did. I'm thinking I want to send him a snapchat because I feel like I have accepted the fact that he will never feel the same way about me and that I was ready to face the fact that he's REALLY GAY and likes guys. However, there's this part of me that seeks to control everything. If we start talking as friends again, I know there'd be zero trust in our friendship. And I know that when he says he'll call, I would still stay there expecting him to call like the dumbfuck I was. I know I need to come in to terms with the fact that he's gay and that he will never feel the same way about me the way I do about him. Care. He said that's the reason why he "loved" me. Thinking back, there were so many tell-tale signs about him being gay. Number one was the incessant mention about "anal" sex. I thought it was just a Canadian thing. I think I was also in denial with myself because I loved him. I never suspected him about being gay that's why I was super shocked about it.
1258am
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thing is. Should I be friends with him and offer him emotional support? Or should I think of myself first?
0132am
Hello. I recently just found out that this guy I loved was also gay. He didn't come out to me. I know it's wrong but I was snooping around his emails and found out (we were taking a break during this time, I don't know what made me want to check his emails). I know you created your blog back in 2009, but if you still check it then I hope you reply because I need help. I want to know how you were able to move on and forget about everything because it's very tough for me. Earlier today, I also checked out some gay pornography. I don't know I stumbled upon your blog. I have 20+ tabs open and I guess I'm doing what you we're doing, "info-searching," trying to understand what goes on in "my Guy's" head. I feel devastated and guilty that I also walked away from him after telling him I was going to be there for him. The thought of him being with another guy, being sexually attracted to other males, and having romantic feelings (I guess he never had with me) for other men is so heartbreaking for me whenever I think about it. However, right now, I want to contact him. I want to see how he's doing. I'm so lost. I still care about him. I don't know if I should go back and be friends with him and provide support, or think about myself first? Email me. I left my email address in the form. Please and Thank you.
0149am
I want him back, too. I always feel like no one else has put up with my shit. That's the reason I fell so hard for him. One day, I go from thinking I've accepted the fact that "my guy" is gay, then the next day, my heart is full of anger and bitterness. I don't know what I'm feeling.
0157am
I've been browsing this blog on wordpress "Gay Guy's Girlfriend." I just come across a post that I vaguely remember. It says "Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't soften. You've already made a step forward, even if so small." I think I've visited or seen this website before. Holy! Was this another sign that I missed before?
0207am
I asked "my guy" so many questions the past week and I feel like I still have hundred of more questions. Anyway, "my guy" said that he's known since he was 14 that he was gay. I asked him how he knew and he said it was because he wasn't attracted to girls. I proceeded to ask him why he dated multiple girls in junior high and high school and he said he only did it to "change" himself. I'm torn. I want to contact him, but I don't know if I'm only getting the urge because right now I feel somewhat ok. I keep thinking will I be ok and not want to cuss him out and express my bitterness and anger the next day?
0209am
Also, I looked at "my guy's" web search history. It consisted of "chubby porn," "milf porn," "family porn," "ebony porn," and "cumshot porn." Fuck porn. I guess the last search really confirms him being gay. fesjbskjfsf. Sigh, I don't know.
0211am
Oh and I asked him if he ever had romantic feelings for men, and he said "no" sternly. I keep asking him how he knows he's gay for sure if he's never actually been with another man and if he never engaged in sexual acts with another man. He said he's never done either one of em, yet he's so sure that he really is gay. "My guy," for me, is quite good-looking as well that's why, like you, I can't help but feel insecure. I was already insecure about other girls he used to talk to. And just like you, I didn't know I had to compete with guys as well.
0227am
I'm sorry that I keep commenting. I would really love to hear back from you. "My guy" and I are the same. We would always fight about the smallest things and make up after 3-4 days. On Nov. 28, we got back together. Dec. 1, we had a fight and we broke up. Around Dec. 4-5, I checked his emails and found out, etc. etc. For a few days, I was crying while we talked. Then suddenly, I wanted to leave. So I "supposedly" walked away 5 days ago, and now because I'm used to us making up or getting back together after a few days of no contact, I'm itching to contact him right now :(
0437am
Told Ai about Bryan being gay.
0614am
I thought I was ready to talk to him and become friends. I had to resist the urges and think, "what would come from it?" I checked snapcapture to look at his photos. I still felt a little sting in my heart. I still felt sad. Maybe I'm not ready yet. Maybe on Christmas, I will? We'll how much longer I can hold it off. Would he appreciate that I still care about him? Or would he treat me like the douchebag he always was before? Does he really not plan to come out ever? "I'm perfectly happy without anyone else knowing."
0702am
I HAD to snapchat him. 7 mins. ago. He replied instantly. His sc bffs are now alicia and billie. I hope he's not trying to use either of them.
0817am
So I snapchatted him. I think he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Somehow, I feel kinda sad that he feels that way. He was wearing earphones when he said "ttyl" and he replied to my last snap, and he still had them on. That means he was staying home but didn't want to talk. He was probably playing league with tyler or ryan, or idk maybe watching gay porn. I know i have no right to know exactly what he's doing anymore. So why did I contact him? Like really?
0836am
Why am I staring blankly into space? Am I affected by it? Am I affected that he seems to not want to be friends anymore? Does he not need me anymore? Do I still need him?
0839am
Why do I want to try and login his old accts? Why do I have this urge to look him up and find out what his new league ign is? I thought I (somewhat) moved on already? What's the meaning of this?
0931am
I'm still kinda thinking about him. I'm kinda regretting that I talked to him. Hmm. I'll sleep it off.
0940am
I cringe to end at the thought of you behind another man fucking his asshole, caressing him, kissing him, and making love to him. I'm feeling disgust once again. I shouldn't have messaged you. Why do I do this to myself?
0941am
I thought I was ok with it. We talked and I was ok, just a bit sad. And now, it's like my head is spinning, my stomach is turning, my face flushed and I feel weak. You're really gay and there's nothing I can do about it. I somehow feel helpless, maybe because deep inside i'm still wishing/hoping that this was all but a dream and that you will take back everything you said and do anything to prove to me how much you actually do love me. It's all wishful thinking. I hate this lonely feeling.
0944am
My heart's pounding. I don't know what to think. I ruined my progress of moving on. Am I back to square one again?
0740pm
Please help me forget the obscene images that enter my head. Rid my heart of the bitterness and anger that frequently come back and haunt my thoughts.

Update

0742pm
I'm sitting here, trying to dispel the thought from my head. Every time the thought tries to enter my head, I quickly try to think of something else.. it's like a reflex. I keep telling myself "stop, stop. No, don't think about it. Don't think about him." I wish I'd wake up tomorrow or the next day from this nightmare. I'm afraid about tomorrow. I'm scared about what the future holds. Will I be able to fully love another human being after being betrayed and selfishly used like this? Can I still be selfless in a relationship? Can I still trust another person? Will I not be skeptic about every guy that tries to talk to me? When will I stop thinking negative things about every faggot I see in the streets? When will the bitterness and anger leave and depart from my heart?

Update Deux

0800pm
You know, when I was trying to fall asleep this morning, images of Bryan intimate with another man wouldn't leave my mind. I was sickened with the thought of it. I finally fell asleep, but the moment I woke up, there it was again.. feelings of sadness, disgust, anger, guilt, confusion, and weakness. On my way to the church and while I was sitting there, even on my way for communion, I was preoccupied with disturbing thoughts about Bryan and things gay people do in bed. I was imagining him behind another man fucking the guy's asshole while caressing the other guy's balls and jacking him off. It was so disturbing but I couldn't help it. My stomach was turning, I was feeling lightheaded, and weak during the mass. I imagined him on top of a guy and once again him caressing the other's faggot's genitals. Then I imagined him sitting on a couch with some faggot riding his dick reverse and traditional "cowgirl" style. I could imagine him in bed (like how he was when he went on cam on skype for me), how his legs were extended. It just dawned on me, maybe that's why he said that he always gets boners but didn't feel the need to jack off. Maybe because when he does, he fantasizes and thinks about fucking other men, and maybe because he "said" that he didn't want to be gay, so he tried to avoid it. I'm not sure. I'm still lost. Maybe that's why when he beat it on cam, he doesn't really look at me. And it's like there's not one bit of excitement on his face. Maybe that's why he cums when he jacks off because he tries to suppress his desires for other men. I would really like to ask him and find out if his dad ever touched him as a kid. I'm curious to know the cause of him being a homosexual. I'm confused as to how he is god damn sure that he's gay if he's never been with another man before. Maybe he lied about it, like he always did, always does, and always will. I can't help but think that all those times he went on skype, he was imagining a MAN with him. It sickens me. I want to puke, but I hate puking. I'm disgusted at the thought that I had once fantasized about cuddling and making love with this man. This guy, Bryan Bogevard, from Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada--a guy whom I never met, but loved truly, madly, and deeply with my whole heart. The guy I stuck with no matter how hurtful it was for me. The guy, who after I found out he was gay, I even tried to give him a pep talk about self-acceptance. The guy I left after I promised I wasn't going anywhere. The guy I can't stand gone from my life. The guy I loved so, so, so much and still do, and probably always will. This guy that I when I see him, I see a little, broken, boy who his father rejected, and needed love and care from me. I still see that little boy in Bryan. That's why I love him. I want to protect him from any further pain. But what can I do when wanting to shelter him from further pain in the world is killing me slowly? (0812pm)
0813pm
Lord, please make the day that I forgive Bryan and forget everything come soon. I don't know how much longer I can stay like this. It's ruining me. It's killing me inside.

Meh.

Today. I guess this will be my diary of some sort. I'll leave it here because I don't think real people will find my blog anyway. All I get are automated visits from bot websites. Lol.

12/12/13 - 0304amThere won't be a reason for me to stay up late anymore, no reason keep checking my phone anticipating/waiting for that yellow light, no more reason to wake up in the middle of the night checking my laptop for that red notification on skype to pop up because I've let him go and he's never coming back. Plus, it's not like we can ever be together anyway. It's pointless for me to dwell on this matter. It's impossible for my INNER wishes to come true no matter how hard I want them to happen.0455amEverything's falling apart.0421pmEverything reminds me of him. I see a single word and I remember things fro the emails. I see a dog, I remember Dexter.1029pmYou found me, you fixed me, you left me, now I'm more broken that I ever was.1038pmI regret telling Chee about Bryan.12/13/13 - 0130amI can still see your face clearly. I can imagine everything. Why did this happen? Why did you do this kind of thing to me? What satisfaction did you get from hurting someone who truly loved you and stood by you all this time? Why didn't you just tell me the truth? Or why didn't you just push me away--you we're good at that; I was just terrible at staying away. Why did you take me back? Why do you always ask me to come back if you knew you were like this? You say you're sorry but I don't believe it. If you really felt sorry, you wouldn't have done it.0137amI don't know what's gotten into me. I checked my old snapchat to see if there was anything, and of course there was nothing. I checked his; he's talking to leeshdeep again. He's still in denial. She's his #1 on his bff list again. He got logged out. So, I'm guessing he'll know that I opened his snapchat. I don't know why I opened it. Why am I still expecting him to contact me? I thought I didn't want to get hurt? Why am I doing this?? Am I afraid that I've lost him forever, even though we can never be? Why is that? Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking of these things again? Maybe because this is how it's always been. Maybe I just miss him. Maybe I miss talking to him. Maybe I miss hi always being there. Maybe I miss fighting and not speaking for a couple of days and then making up. Unfortunately, this time there's no more making up. It's a real goodbye this time. I'm getting the urge to check his emails. I know he changed the passwords. God, pls. help me resist the temptation. Why am i even still curious??? Right now, I want to check Ryan and Tyler's league accounts to find out his new name; to see if he's been playing like nothing happened, like it didn't matter to him that I'm gone. Why do I wonder if he thinks about me when he wakes up and before he sleeps, like how I STILL think about him all the time? HE'S FUCKING GAY. HE'S NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU BACK. MOVE THE FUCK ON. LET GO.0145amIt was just a quick moment of weakness. We're good. We're moving on. Remember, "box of memories." It's not bad to look back and remember the good memories. Just don't forget to look ahead as well. Btw, JV didn't believe my story. Probably because I kept laughing, but whatever. I know what's inside my heart and I know that I really loved Bryan, and that he CHOSE to hurt me. It was a choice because there were countless times where he could have chosen to let me go or let me walk away when I asked for it. But the jackass kept pulling me back and I was too weak to resist. Too weak to resist coming back to the only person in the world who showed a tiny bit of care and interest in me (besides my family)--but of course, nothing lasts forever. Actually, I feel like sht never really started. None of it was real. Well, for him, anyway. Everything I felt, everything I told him, and everything I have said to people.. Everything was real. My feelings were genuine and that's why I'm tremendously hurt and broken. I feel like I'm down on the ground (he found me when I was hurt from Els, my family, the world), he held out his hand and took mine (made me feel better like there was someone there for me), only to shove me back down (all those times he couldn't prove that he loved me; we had fights and he never did anything to make me stay when I tried to walk away--when I gave him numerous ultimatums), and it turns out he never really intended to help me get up (nothing was ever real; everything he showed me were just lies, bullshit excuses for him trying to convince himself that he's not a faggot). He made me believe that someone cared for me. Heck, it's hard to understand but he made me believe that it was actually true. He made me think that "if he didn't really love me, he would have let me go a long time ago and not put up with my bullshit and clinginess." But I guess it was me who he was using, not me using him as my source of happiness. He kept me around for himself. Because he's a selfish fuck who only thinks of himself.0155amHah, it seems like my heart is becoming full of bitterness again. I'm sorry. I don't know why. We'll get over this, ok? I seem like a fool talking to myself. Am I crazy? Have I really, completely, gone mad?0157amSo why can't I stay mad at him? Why do I still think about him? It's like I want him back, even as a friend. It's like I want him to just be there where I can watch him, but whenever I think of him liking other guys in a way I've always wanted, WISHED, and prayed for him to like me, it's as if my heart is breaking. I can't imagine being jealous of a MALE. I'm already insecure about females. Who knew I had to compete with men--not that I can, anyway. He made it clear already! IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR WOMEN. YOU'RE ENOUGH BUT JUST NOT FOR HIM. Accept what you can't change and let go. Move on.0202amIt's like he was this vampire, this creature, who was overjoyed sucking and leeching the life out of me. And me--this dumb, martyr girl longing for attention, love, and care succumbs at his feet.

It's almost 2 days..

Hello. I created this blog as a means for me to write and express my thought and my feelings while going through an unfortunate event in my life. I'm mostly just ranting and writing about my feelings, my loneliness, and my bittersweet memories about Bryan. I try to encourage myself to forgive and forget, completely move on, and fully let go of everything that happened. I checked my other accounts, and I've noticed that it's when I'm sad and feeling lonely that I turn to writing/blogging. This is my fourth one--one was about my problems at home with my mother; the second one was about AJ, who I liked around 2009; and the third was about "Mr. N/A" who i had a brief crush on during my junior year in college.

This fourth one, however, might be the most serious one as it's about Bryan--someone who I've loved more than I ever did myself. I've only loved one guy before him, my first boyfriend who I still think about and sometimes wish that it we're only me and him in the world, so we can be together. Bryan Bogevard--my second love. My greater love. I'm not sure if anyone will find it, but if anyone does and spends time to read all the sadness, anger, and hurt that I post on here.. then that would be nice. Just copying and pasting something I wrote on a sticky note before I created this blog. The story and my thoughts may seem incomplete everything I've written about him (and about us) were left in my other user account in a folder entitled, "a box of memories." I changed my account because I don't want to see those anymore because I can't help but feel devastated whenever I do. I don't want to see them, but I'm still not ready to delete them yet.

You'll probably think I'm psycho after reading all or anything I wrote below. Sometimes, I do think that  I am crazy and that what happened to me--what Bryan did to me--has caused me to go completely mad. Or that if I'm not crazy, I'm surely on my way there. I think I need help, but who can I turn to? As I have said earlier, I'm not sure if anyone will be able to read my blog because I've created it just to express my thoughts and feelings through writing. Most of the things I write are things that enter my mind. Things that I want to say/should have said to him.

Start, 12/11/13 - 3:43am
I'm crushed. I was willing to give you the world. Heck, no, YOU were my world. My world revolved around you. You were my happiness as well as my sadness. Everyday, I woke up hoping to get a text from you. You made me look forward to waking up to tomorrow. You made my life feel less lonelier. I appreciated having you in my life. It still pains me to think back and say to myself that I would still take you back even after everything, but then I remember that we can never be. You were the root of all my happiness, but we both know I can never give you true happiness. I can never satisfy your desires, and I'm sorry. I pray that you and I will both find happiness, even if it means not being together, forgetting each other, and moving on. I try so much not to think about it. Every time the thought enters my mind, I try to quickly dispel it and think about happy things. I have turned to the Lord. I am a stray sheep and the Lord has been looking for me because i have "no feed, shelter, love." I cried in  during today's mass. It's as if the gospel was exactly for me. I believe that this is the Lord's way of bringing me closer to him. Acceptance is so hard. I think I haven't fully moved on--it's been 2-3 days (I think) since I've found out. Yesterday around 7-8am, I surrendered everything that belonged to Bryan. It's as if something inside me wanted to truly move on. I believe that that's the only way I can move on--to completely rid of Bryan and the memories of him from my life. I feel guilty for leaving him after promising I wouldn't. I know he needs someone, but at this point in time, I can't stay. I haven't fully healed. The wounds still sting when memories of him come back rushing to my head. I'm not sure when I can fully heal, where I can tell my friends the story and not be crushed once again. It's so hard to believe that everything I believed in was just a lie. I try so much to not cry because I feel that it's just a waste of time and that I have to be strong. I try to think that I will find someone in the future who will love me, cherish me, and care for me the way I needed Bryan to. But then every time I think of that, I remember how Bryan used me, lied to me, and broke my heart and my whole being--then I get discouraged and try not to think about it. I'm scarred. I'm afraid I won't be able to trust anyone again fully--not anytime soon anyway. I'm afraid that  I won't be able to love again completely with my whole heart--and that if I do, I will always hold back and not give them everything; because that's what I did with Bryan--I told him every chance I could how much I loved him. I tried my best to show my care for him. However, some things are just not meant to be, I guess. It hurts to think about it but all I can do is move on and turn to the Lord. I have no other choice. I can't, and don't want to, hold on to painful, bittersweet memories of Bryan and me forever. I pray, Lord, for you to grant and give me the courage and faith to get through this. Thank you (0400am).
0405am
I didn't want to see you say "Thank You," or that you're "truly sorry," because I knew it would make it harder for me to leave--this I don't know why. I think deep inside me, there's still something hoping for something. I keep thinking if you really are sorry. I keep thinking did you ever felt sorry WHILE you were doing this to me? I ask questions like "Why me?" or "Why did you do this to me?" The only answer I get from you is "I dunno. I'm sorry." It's plain and simple--you used me to make yourself believe the lies you tell yourself--that you're not gay. I wish I resisted the urge and not open your last Snapchat. "Wait, 1sec." Bryan, I asked you not to contact me after the email. That Snapchat made me feel like you wanted to stop me from going, but I can't stay as of now. And I told you before, I can't wait forever. But now, it's totally different. Even if I wait forever, I'd be waiting for nothing because like you said it's impossible for you to love (or have romantic feelings) for a girl. You said I was enough, just not for you. "So you don't want to be friends?" I answered this in the email. "You want to leave, is that it?" No Bryan, I don't want you to leave--it's me that is leaving (0408am, 0413am). I messaged Tyler and told him not be mad because he does not know my side. I also messaged Ryan. Both of them know nothing about this and I felt compelled to apologize to them and say something before leaving. I have deleted and blocked you and your friends from everything (Ryan, Zac, Tyler, Jay, and even Doug). I did this because I didn't want to be reminded of you anymore. Your presence pulls me back and I can't deal with that right now. Maybe time will come, when my heart and wounds fully heal, maybe.. Maybe we can be friends. However, I'm not sure when that will be because honestly, I'm really broken after this. Those days/nights I was crying every few minutes felt like my heart was literally breaking/shattering into a million pieces. I can say it's the most painful/hurtful thing I've experienced my whole life. You we're my second love. My GREATER love. You made me dream. You made me hope. You made me feel like I could wait for you. You made me feel great sometimes--and those few times, I cherished--those few times you've made me happy are probably the same reason why I'm having a very difficult time letting go and moving on. It's because no one else has given me the time that you did and it was very hard for me to NOT believe that you didn't care about me. I FELT IT. I felt that you loved me. How did it feel so real? I feel like crying again. My eyes are watering (0419am) and I wonder if I will go through with it or try to think of something else and hold the tears back from falling. I know I'm just rambling and I have been saying the same things for the past few days, but this is how I feel (0420am).
0457am
I needed you.
0953pm
You know, you were all that I needed. I had my friends, but I didn't need them. You were all that mattered.
0956pm
I accepted you everything you were. I never tried to change you.