Meh.

Today. I guess this will be my diary of some sort. I'll leave it here because I don't think real people will find my blog anyway. All I get are automated visits from bot websites. Lol.

12/12/13 - 0304amThere won't be a reason for me to stay up late anymore, no reason keep checking my phone anticipating/waiting for that yellow light, no more reason to wake up in the middle of the night checking my laptop for that red notification on skype to pop up because I've let him go and he's never coming back. Plus, it's not like we can ever be together anyway. It's pointless for me to dwell on this matter. It's impossible for my INNER wishes to come true no matter how hard I want them to happen.0455amEverything's falling apart.0421pmEverything reminds me of him. I see a single word and I remember things fro the emails. I see a dog, I remember Dexter.1029pmYou found me, you fixed me, you left me, now I'm more broken that I ever was.1038pmI regret telling Chee about Bryan.12/13/13 - 0130amI can still see your face clearly. I can imagine everything. Why did this happen? Why did you do this kind of thing to me? What satisfaction did you get from hurting someone who truly loved you and stood by you all this time? Why didn't you just tell me the truth? Or why didn't you just push me away--you we're good at that; I was just terrible at staying away. Why did you take me back? Why do you always ask me to come back if you knew you were like this? You say you're sorry but I don't believe it. If you really felt sorry, you wouldn't have done it.0137amI don't know what's gotten into me. I checked my old snapchat to see if there was anything, and of course there was nothing. I checked his; he's talking to leeshdeep again. He's still in denial. She's his #1 on his bff list again. He got logged out. So, I'm guessing he'll know that I opened his snapchat. I don't know why I opened it. Why am I still expecting him to contact me? I thought I didn't want to get hurt? Why am I doing this?? Am I afraid that I've lost him forever, even though we can never be? Why is that? Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking of these things again? Maybe because this is how it's always been. Maybe I just miss him. Maybe I miss talking to him. Maybe I miss hi always being there. Maybe I miss fighting and not speaking for a couple of days and then making up. Unfortunately, this time there's no more making up. It's a real goodbye this time. I'm getting the urge to check his emails. I know he changed the passwords. God, pls. help me resist the temptation. Why am i even still curious??? Right now, I want to check Ryan and Tyler's league accounts to find out his new name; to see if he's been playing like nothing happened, like it didn't matter to him that I'm gone. Why do I wonder if he thinks about me when he wakes up and before he sleeps, like how I STILL think about him all the time? HE'S FUCKING GAY. HE'S NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU BACK. MOVE THE FUCK ON. LET GO.0145amIt was just a quick moment of weakness. We're good. We're moving on. Remember, "box of memories." It's not bad to look back and remember the good memories. Just don't forget to look ahead as well. Btw, JV didn't believe my story. Probably because I kept laughing, but whatever. I know what's inside my heart and I know that I really loved Bryan, and that he CHOSE to hurt me. It was a choice because there were countless times where he could have chosen to let me go or let me walk away when I asked for it. But the jackass kept pulling me back and I was too weak to resist. Too weak to resist coming back to the only person in the world who showed a tiny bit of care and interest in me (besides my family)--but of course, nothing lasts forever. Actually, I feel like sht never really started. None of it was real. Well, for him, anyway. Everything I felt, everything I told him, and everything I have said to people.. Everything was real. My feelings were genuine and that's why I'm tremendously hurt and broken. I feel like I'm down on the ground (he found me when I was hurt from Els, my family, the world), he held out his hand and took mine (made me feel better like there was someone there for me), only to shove me back down (all those times he couldn't prove that he loved me; we had fights and he never did anything to make me stay when I tried to walk away--when I gave him numerous ultimatums), and it turns out he never really intended to help me get up (nothing was ever real; everything he showed me were just lies, bullshit excuses for him trying to convince himself that he's not a faggot). He made me believe that someone cared for me. Heck, it's hard to understand but he made me believe that it was actually true. He made me think that "if he didn't really love me, he would have let me go a long time ago and not put up with my bullshit and clinginess." But I guess it was me who he was using, not me using him as my source of happiness. He kept me around for himself. Because he's a selfish fuck who only thinks of himself.0155amHah, it seems like my heart is becoming full of bitterness again. I'm sorry. I don't know why. We'll get over this, ok? I seem like a fool talking to myself. Am I crazy? Have I really, completely, gone mad?0157amSo why can't I stay mad at him? Why do I still think about him? It's like I want him back, even as a friend. It's like I want him to just be there where I can watch him, but whenever I think of him liking other guys in a way I've always wanted, WISHED, and prayed for him to like me, it's as if my heart is breaking. I can't imagine being jealous of a MALE. I'm already insecure about females. Who knew I had to compete with men--not that I can, anyway. He made it clear already! IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR WOMEN. YOU'RE ENOUGH BUT JUST NOT FOR HIM. Accept what you can't change and let go. Move on.0202amIt's like he was this vampire, this creature, who was overjoyed sucking and leeching the life out of me. And me--this dumb, martyr girl longing for attention, love, and care succumbs at his feet.