Supposedly day 3.

So, it turns out I missed day 3 of the Misa de Gallo because the 8-9pm mass is anticipated for tomorrow morning. Just my luck.

12/17/13 - 0633am Forgiveness. Find peace and salvation in the Lord.
0715am
There's that feeling again. That slight pinch in my heart. It's 7:16am now. I've been so used to waiting for 07:30 because that's when Bryan gets out of work. Stop. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about him. Learn to accept things you can't change. Please.
0128pm
I feel like crying. Hopefully I don't. Everything seems to remind me of him. Did we spend that much time together? Is it because I was preoccupied with thoughts of him then, so now that he's gone, everything still seems to be about him? "Tookie."
0143pm
I feel kinda sad. Hmm.
0152pm
"Hand in hand with pain and suffering." Don't fret. You'll get over this.
0217pm
I'm sad and it's killing me. I want to cry. Should I?
0308pm
I think if I don't try to stop it, I'd be crying right now. I feel lifeless.
0310pm
I remember when he was crying on skype, he was pretending to be sleepy and was yawning when his mom came. Maybe so they wouldn't wonder what happened or why he was crying. Bryan.. My Bryan. My baby. Why were you sent to me? I still love you. Deep down inside me, it's like I still hope for us to happen. Why is that? Pls. stop thinking about him.
0348pm
There were times when I didn't want to go to sleep because every time I tried to lay down, tears would automatically fall from my eyes. However, when I do fall asleep (after 40+ hrs of being awake), I don't want to wake up because being asleep means I don't get to feel anything for a few hours. I'm sad. I feel alone. Someone save me.
0438pm
For me, it felt like we were made for each other.. like we belong to each other. How you were made for me. It felt like we were meant to be...
0448pm
I think if I don't cry tonight, I will one of these days.
1145pm
I didn't cry last night and I felt ok when I woke up today. Yay. Anyway, why did I get the feeling that he was jealous of Nick Frolov in the past? He even seemed jealous of Lloyd as well. Why did he seem to get upset of the people I played with? Was I just imagining things? Why did he talk shit to/about almost everyone we played with? I guess I missed another important sign--he was too sensitive. He would always leave a group call because he was pissed and would refuse to join again, so what I would do because he's the only reason I'm in the call anyway, is I'd leave the call and call him. I was actually happy that it was just a call between me and him. I was secretly happy whenever that happened.
12/18/13 - 1227am
Kung alam mo lang, Because I'm a girl by Kiss.
0109am
There will always be those sad and lonely times/days, but believe that you will get over this storm. You WILL find someone who'll make it clear to you why it never worked out with the rest. Or maybe someone will find YOU.
0144am
I'm so weak. I gave in again. I checked my old snapchat to see if he would try to contact me. I left his last snapchat unopened even though I've seen what's in it through snapcapture. His score is now 6,800. I had to resist the urge to login his account to check/see who sent who the snapchat.
0146am
Right now the fkn karaoke people are seeing "Just give me a reason" by Pink. That one song that always reminds me of him, Bryan. I can still remember him singing it out of tune. I can still remember myself saying "I don't like that song. It makes me sad." He answered that the song played in the car with his grandfather before/after he picked Bryan up to go golfing. I think I came from Kaiser LA after volunteering that day.
0147am
I can still remember when I first started volunteering for Kaiser. I remember him inviting me to play league of legends and I would reply using the android chat app. I remember checking his match history to see if he played with snuffbunny (Laura). I remember driving in the streets of LA, typing a text message that contained the things I wanted to tell him. Something along the lines of "I was just sad that you chose to play with her than talk to me." Then he said "I asked if you wanted to play and you said no." I was tired then and I was expecting you (and wanted you/hoped for you) to want to just talk to me before I went to bed. That never happened though. That expectation. It was always what you wanted. I would stop everything I do to talk to you. I don't play so I can watch you and hear you play on skype. When you sleep, I don't play either because I was afraid that I would lag and get disconnected and the call would end. Whenever our skype call ended while you were sleeping, I felt so sad. That's why I was beyond happy when you agreed to leave skype on automatic call those 2 nights (11/28 and 11/29). 11/30 was when I went out to watch a movie with my friend; that was the night you went out to dinner with Ryan's family and Tawnya. That was the night where you went go-carting without telling me. That was the night where you were already home, but you kept telling me excuses that you were talking to your mom. I didn't believe anything. I asked you to leave skype on and you said you would. I get home and I couldn't contact you. I called you, I think, more than 20 times until you woke up and said "I did leave skype on." But no, you didn't, Bryan, because if you did, I would have been able to call you. 12/01 was when Ryan stayed at your place and you wouldn't answer. Well, my calls were answered because your skype was on automatic answer. Every time the call was answered, all I'd hear was you and Ryan laughing and the sound of the skype call hanging up. That was the night I broke it off. That was the night I was walking away and wanted you to stop be by giving me what I wanted--me calling you, but you didn't give it to me. You even told me to "Leave, idc anymore." I guess you really never did. You just wanted me there for the attention and affection and care I showed you unconditionally. We went on for days without talking, 4-5 days, I think. On 12/04, I found out that I passed my board exam and you were the first and only person I wanted to tell and share the great news with. Now that I think about it, I wasn't able to tell you during a time when we were ok. I told you that I passed when I was crying on skype--when I found out your deepest, darkest secret. I think I found out on the morning of 12/05 or 12/06. On 12/07, I think we talked. I don't remember when you went out to eat at a diner with your friends, then there was that night before that when you were drinking with your friends and I could vaguely hear you say "Brad is a good looking guy." After the day at the diner, you told me you got tickets for the Canucks game. I was watching that Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock movie then. I remember telling you "In the movie, they suspect him of being gay. What are the chances?" Then you said you'll talk to me later because you were charging your phone. There was also that night when I was watching "If only" and we were on skype. I was resting my back on the couch (from where I did the thing on skype for the first time). The call lasted an hour or so until you said you were gonna go and play Tyler because he told you to call. "Tyler told me to call. He usually tells me that when he wants to duo. Is that ok? I'll call you later." I think that was the day when I gave you your facebook password back given that you tell me the new password. You said "I'll let you know if I change it." Then you changed your password and it got me mad so I changed it back again. I said "you think you can outsmart me. I'm always a few steps ahead. Lol. You're so cute, Bry." That was when I changed your league passwords, too. That was when you took back what you said about being gay. You said it wasn't true and that you only said it to get your "stuff" back. After that, you admitted it again (0206am).
0208am
It's so weird how I can still remember everything clearly.
0232am
Just finished playing Kog'Maw. I remember you used to play him a lot bot lane with me, with that 1350 skin. Sigh, what's wrong with me? Why do I still allow myself to think about you?
0407am
To think I even imagined having kids with you. It's like I had a future plan for us in my head already. "I gifted you that infernal nasus skin." "I know."
0619am
"I love cuddling."
0701am
Meh.
0952am
I guess him having long hair and stretching before were also signs. And that photo I have of him with his new haircut, checking the fridge, with a hint of a smile was also a sign.
1109am
At least Bryan Fajardo is nice. Imagine how it'd feel if Bryan was like him.
1137am
Idk if it's all just a coincidence that there were signs about gay people before I found out about Bry. The movie Janette and I watched, Cyries' gay-looking bf, the gay trans in "Orange is the new black." Hmm, there's more but I'm too exhausted to think about them. Maybe later.
1141am
Maybe it's karma for laughing at Cyries' boyfriend.
1203pm
The image of Bryan's broad shoulders, that candid photo of him in the skate park looking very masculine and hip-hoppy on his bike. That manly stance. How can he be gay? Why am I feeling like this again? Pls. stop. Pls. expel these unwanted thoughts from my mind.
1205pm
Stop. Stop. Stopppp. Stop it.
1209pm
Those broad, sturdy shoulders.. That ripped abdomen. Those veins on his arms. Pls. stop.
1210pm
I think I type everything I remember because I don't ever want to forget. It's like I want to preserve every moment I remember about him. It's like I'm afraid to forget.
1215pm
Whenever you told me something without looking at the cam. "He's a crackhead." You looked like you didn't care, but I could still see through you. The halo lifts as the person exits your life. We will become strangers once again.
1029pm
On my way to church, I logged in on my old snapchat and deleted him from my list once again. I kept saying to myself, "the halo lifts as the person exits your life, and you become strangers once again." Hopefully it works.