It's almost 2 days..

Hello. I created this blog as a means for me to write and express my thought and my feelings while going through an unfortunate event in my life. I'm mostly just ranting and writing about my feelings, my loneliness, and my bittersweet memories about Bryan. I try to encourage myself to forgive and forget, completely move on, and fully let go of everything that happened. I checked my other accounts, and I've noticed that it's when I'm sad and feeling lonely that I turn to writing/blogging. This is my fourth one--one was about my problems at home with my mother; the second one was about AJ, who I liked around 2009; and the third was about "Mr. N/A" who i had a brief crush on during my junior year in college.

This fourth one, however, might be the most serious one as it's about Bryan--someone who I've loved more than I ever did myself. I've only loved one guy before him, my first boyfriend who I still think about and sometimes wish that it we're only me and him in the world, so we can be together. Bryan Bogevard--my second love. My greater love. I'm not sure if anyone will find it, but if anyone does and spends time to read all the sadness, anger, and hurt that I post on here.. then that would be nice. Just copying and pasting something I wrote on a sticky note before I created this blog. The story and my thoughts may seem incomplete everything I've written about him (and about us) were left in my other user account in a folder entitled, "a box of memories." I changed my account because I don't want to see those anymore because I can't help but feel devastated whenever I do. I don't want to see them, but I'm still not ready to delete them yet.

You'll probably think I'm psycho after reading all or anything I wrote below. Sometimes, I do think that  I am crazy and that what happened to me--what Bryan did to me--has caused me to go completely mad. Or that if I'm not crazy, I'm surely on my way there. I think I need help, but who can I turn to? As I have said earlier, I'm not sure if anyone will be able to read my blog because I've created it just to express my thoughts and feelings through writing. Most of the things I write are things that enter my mind. Things that I want to say/should have said to him.

Start, 12/11/13 - 3:43am
I'm crushed. I was willing to give you the world. Heck, no, YOU were my world. My world revolved around you. You were my happiness as well as my sadness. Everyday, I woke up hoping to get a text from you. You made me look forward to waking up to tomorrow. You made my life feel less lonelier. I appreciated having you in my life. It still pains me to think back and say to myself that I would still take you back even after everything, but then I remember that we can never be. You were the root of all my happiness, but we both know I can never give you true happiness. I can never satisfy your desires, and I'm sorry. I pray that you and I will both find happiness, even if it means not being together, forgetting each other, and moving on. I try so much not to think about it. Every time the thought enters my mind, I try to quickly dispel it and think about happy things. I have turned to the Lord. I am a stray sheep and the Lord has been looking for me because i have "no feed, shelter, love." I cried in  during today's mass. It's as if the gospel was exactly for me. I believe that this is the Lord's way of bringing me closer to him. Acceptance is so hard. I think I haven't fully moved on--it's been 2-3 days (I think) since I've found out. Yesterday around 7-8am, I surrendered everything that belonged to Bryan. It's as if something inside me wanted to truly move on. I believe that that's the only way I can move on--to completely rid of Bryan and the memories of him from my life. I feel guilty for leaving him after promising I wouldn't. I know he needs someone, but at this point in time, I can't stay. I haven't fully healed. The wounds still sting when memories of him come back rushing to my head. I'm not sure when I can fully heal, where I can tell my friends the story and not be crushed once again. It's so hard to believe that everything I believed in was just a lie. I try so much to not cry because I feel that it's just a waste of time and that I have to be strong. I try to think that I will find someone in the future who will love me, cherish me, and care for me the way I needed Bryan to. But then every time I think of that, I remember how Bryan used me, lied to me, and broke my heart and my whole being--then I get discouraged and try not to think about it. I'm scarred. I'm afraid I won't be able to trust anyone again fully--not anytime soon anyway. I'm afraid that  I won't be able to love again completely with my whole heart--and that if I do, I will always hold back and not give them everything; because that's what I did with Bryan--I told him every chance I could how much I loved him. I tried my best to show my care for him. However, some things are just not meant to be, I guess. It hurts to think about it but all I can do is move on and turn to the Lord. I have no other choice. I can't, and don't want to, hold on to painful, bittersweet memories of Bryan and me forever. I pray, Lord, for you to grant and give me the courage and faith to get through this. Thank you (0400am).
0405am
I didn't want to see you say "Thank You," or that you're "truly sorry," because I knew it would make it harder for me to leave--this I don't know why. I think deep inside me, there's still something hoping for something. I keep thinking if you really are sorry. I keep thinking did you ever felt sorry WHILE you were doing this to me? I ask questions like "Why me?" or "Why did you do this to me?" The only answer I get from you is "I dunno. I'm sorry." It's plain and simple--you used me to make yourself believe the lies you tell yourself--that you're not gay. I wish I resisted the urge and not open your last Snapchat. "Wait, 1sec." Bryan, I asked you not to contact me after the email. That Snapchat made me feel like you wanted to stop me from going, but I can't stay as of now. And I told you before, I can't wait forever. But now, it's totally different. Even if I wait forever, I'd be waiting for nothing because like you said it's impossible for you to love (or have romantic feelings) for a girl. You said I was enough, just not for you. "So you don't want to be friends?" I answered this in the email. "You want to leave, is that it?" No Bryan, I don't want you to leave--it's me that is leaving (0408am, 0413am). I messaged Tyler and told him not be mad because he does not know my side. I also messaged Ryan. Both of them know nothing about this and I felt compelled to apologize to them and say something before leaving. I have deleted and blocked you and your friends from everything (Ryan, Zac, Tyler, Jay, and even Doug). I did this because I didn't want to be reminded of you anymore. Your presence pulls me back and I can't deal with that right now. Maybe time will come, when my heart and wounds fully heal, maybe.. Maybe we can be friends. However, I'm not sure when that will be because honestly, I'm really broken after this. Those days/nights I was crying every few minutes felt like my heart was literally breaking/shattering into a million pieces. I can say it's the most painful/hurtful thing I've experienced my whole life. You we're my second love. My GREATER love. You made me dream. You made me hope. You made me feel like I could wait for you. You made me feel great sometimes--and those few times, I cherished--those few times you've made me happy are probably the same reason why I'm having a very difficult time letting go and moving on. It's because no one else has given me the time that you did and it was very hard for me to NOT believe that you didn't care about me. I FELT IT. I felt that you loved me. How did it feel so real? I feel like crying again. My eyes are watering (0419am) and I wonder if I will go through with it or try to think of something else and hold the tears back from falling. I know I'm just rambling and I have been saying the same things for the past few days, but this is how I feel (0420am).
0457am
I needed you.
0953pm
You know, you were all that I needed. I had my friends, but I didn't need them. You were all that mattered.
0956pm
I accepted you everything you were. I never tried to change you.