Typical Lanny

Meh.

12/14/13 - 0953pm
Honestly, who would have thought that someone like Bryan was gay? Ripped body. Interest in manly things.. sigh. Whatever.
12/15/13 1227am
I recently just found out my boyfriend of 10 mos. was gay. I was so depressed. It feels like everything I believed in was a lie. I want to understand why he did it. He's in the closet. He didn't come out to me. I know it's wrong, but I snooped in his emails and found out. He said no one else in the world knows and that he's trying to "change" because he does not want to be gay, yet he also says that it's "too late now." He just turned 19 and he said he's known since he was 14. I want to understand the reason why he did this. He knew I loved him very much and that I cared a lot about our relationship. If he knew this, why would he keep me knowing that it will hurt me if I find out?
1230am
Oh, btw. At first, he said he was bi, but I knew it wasn't true. Even before, I never believed bi men existed. I always thought that if you ever fantasized (or have done things with men), if you ever sucked a dick, penetrated another man's asshole, or got your asshole penetrated, AND ENJOYED IT, then you're most definitely gay. I think some gay men just say they're bi to make it look/sound better. But I don't believe the idea of it.
1232am
I don't understand. One minute, I feel bad for him. The next minute, my heart is full of bitterness and anger. There's a part in me that's lost and want to contact him to see how he's doing. The other part knows that he will be the douche bag he's always been and try to kill me with words once again. I know he will try to deny it again. That's the thing, if I become friends with him again, I want him to be completely honest. I can't stand dishonest people. If it's one thing that pisses me off, it's people who lie to my face.
1236am
Here I am. I was sitting here for the past 30 mins., watching gay porn trying to imagine Bryan fucking another man's asshole. I want the thought of it engraved in my head so I can be disgusted and move on. I was disgusted a bit, but mostly I didn't know what was going on in my head. It's like this jumbled mass of wires. I went from watching gay porn to researching what's "inside a gay man's mind" and "gay man with girlfriend why." It's like I'm trying to find answers. I'm trying to find people who've been through the same situation as me. Then I saw a post that said the first step to the coming out process is (1) self-acceptance; (2) coming out to a friend--this is what got me thinking again; I promised him I wasn't going anywhere when we were together, then I found out my dearest Bryan was gay and once again he said that he expected me to "leave," and I promised that I wasn't.. I said I was going to be there for him because I knew how hard it was for him. But, I left.. I left like I always did. I'm thinking I want to send him a snapchat because I feel like I have accepted the fact that he will never feel the same way about me and that I was ready to face the fact that he's REALLY GAY and likes guys. However, there's this part of me that seeks to control everything. If we start talking as friends again, I know there'd be zero trust in our friendship. And I know that when he says he'll call, I would still stay there expecting him to call like the dumbfuck I was. I know I need to come in to terms with the fact that he's gay and that he will never feel the same way about me the way I do about him. Care. He said that's the reason why he "loved" me. Thinking back, there were so many tell-tale signs about him being gay. Number one was the incessant mention about "anal" sex. I thought it was just a Canadian thing. I think I was also in denial with myself because I loved him. I never suspected him about being gay that's why I was super shocked about it.
1258am
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thing is. Should I be friends with him and offer him emotional support? Or should I think of myself first?
0132am
Hello. I recently just found out that this guy I loved was also gay. He didn't come out to me. I know it's wrong but I was snooping around his emails and found out (we were taking a break during this time, I don't know what made me want to check his emails). I know you created your blog back in 2009, but if you still check it then I hope you reply because I need help. I want to know how you were able to move on and forget about everything because it's very tough for me. Earlier today, I also checked out some gay pornography. I don't know I stumbled upon your blog. I have 20+ tabs open and I guess I'm doing what you we're doing, "info-searching," trying to understand what goes on in "my Guy's" head. I feel devastated and guilty that I also walked away from him after telling him I was going to be there for him. The thought of him being with another guy, being sexually attracted to other males, and having romantic feelings (I guess he never had with me) for other men is so heartbreaking for me whenever I think about it. However, right now, I want to contact him. I want to see how he's doing. I'm so lost. I still care about him. I don't know if I should go back and be friends with him and provide support, or think about myself first? Email me. I left my email address in the form. Please and Thank you.
0149am
I want him back, too. I always feel like no one else has put up with my shit. That's the reason I fell so hard for him. One day, I go from thinking I've accepted the fact that "my guy" is gay, then the next day, my heart is full of anger and bitterness. I don't know what I'm feeling.
0157am
I've been browsing this blog on wordpress "Gay Guy's Girlfriend." I just come across a post that I vaguely remember. It says "Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't soften. You've already made a step forward, even if so small." I think I've visited or seen this website before. Holy! Was this another sign that I missed before?
0207am
I asked "my guy" so many questions the past week and I feel like I still have hundred of more questions. Anyway, "my guy" said that he's known since he was 14 that he was gay. I asked him how he knew and he said it was because he wasn't attracted to girls. I proceeded to ask him why he dated multiple girls in junior high and high school and he said he only did it to "change" himself. I'm torn. I want to contact him, but I don't know if I'm only getting the urge because right now I feel somewhat ok. I keep thinking will I be ok and not want to cuss him out and express my bitterness and anger the next day?
0209am
Also, I looked at "my guy's" web search history. It consisted of "chubby porn," "milf porn," "family porn," "ebony porn," and "cumshot porn." Fuck porn. I guess the last search really confirms him being gay. fesjbskjfsf. Sigh, I don't know.
0211am
Oh and I asked him if he ever had romantic feelings for men, and he said "no" sternly. I keep asking him how he knows he's gay for sure if he's never actually been with another man and if he never engaged in sexual acts with another man. He said he's never done either one of em, yet he's so sure that he really is gay. "My guy," for me, is quite good-looking as well that's why, like you, I can't help but feel insecure. I was already insecure about other girls he used to talk to. And just like you, I didn't know I had to compete with guys as well.
0227am
I'm sorry that I keep commenting. I would really love to hear back from you. "My guy" and I are the same. We would always fight about the smallest things and make up after 3-4 days. On Nov. 28, we got back together. Dec. 1, we had a fight and we broke up. Around Dec. 4-5, I checked his emails and found out, etc. etc. For a few days, I was crying while we talked. Then suddenly, I wanted to leave. So I "supposedly" walked away 5 days ago, and now because I'm used to us making up or getting back together after a few days of no contact, I'm itching to contact him right now :(
0437am
Told Ai about Bryan being gay.
0614am
I thought I was ready to talk to him and become friends. I had to resist the urges and think, "what would come from it?" I checked snapcapture to look at his photos. I still felt a little sting in my heart. I still felt sad. Maybe I'm not ready yet. Maybe on Christmas, I will? We'll how much longer I can hold it off. Would he appreciate that I still care about him? Or would he treat me like the douchebag he always was before? Does he really not plan to come out ever? "I'm perfectly happy without anyone else knowing."
0702am
I HAD to snapchat him. 7 mins. ago. He replied instantly. His sc bffs are now alicia and billie. I hope he's not trying to use either of them.
0817am
So I snapchatted him. I think he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Somehow, I feel kinda sad that he feels that way. He was wearing earphones when he said "ttyl" and he replied to my last snap, and he still had them on. That means he was staying home but didn't want to talk. He was probably playing league with tyler or ryan, or idk maybe watching gay porn. I know i have no right to know exactly what he's doing anymore. So why did I contact him? Like really?
0836am
Why am I staring blankly into space? Am I affected by it? Am I affected that he seems to not want to be friends anymore? Does he not need me anymore? Do I still need him?
0839am
Why do I want to try and login his old accts? Why do I have this urge to look him up and find out what his new league ign is? I thought I (somewhat) moved on already? What's the meaning of this?
0931am
I'm still kinda thinking about him. I'm kinda regretting that I talked to him. Hmm. I'll sleep it off.
0940am
I cringe to end at the thought of you behind another man fucking his asshole, caressing him, kissing him, and making love to him. I'm feeling disgust once again. I shouldn't have messaged you. Why do I do this to myself?
0941am
I thought I was ok with it. We talked and I was ok, just a bit sad. And now, it's like my head is spinning, my stomach is turning, my face flushed and I feel weak. You're really gay and there's nothing I can do about it. I somehow feel helpless, maybe because deep inside i'm still wishing/hoping that this was all but a dream and that you will take back everything you said and do anything to prove to me how much you actually do love me. It's all wishful thinking. I hate this lonely feeling.
0944am
My heart's pounding. I don't know what to think. I ruined my progress of moving on. Am I back to square one again?
0740pm
Please help me forget the obscene images that enter my head. Rid my heart of the bitterness and anger that frequently come back and haunt my thoughts.

Update

0742pm
I'm sitting here, trying to dispel the thought from my head. Every time the thought tries to enter my head, I quickly try to think of something else.. it's like a reflex. I keep telling myself "stop, stop. No, don't think about it. Don't think about him." I wish I'd wake up tomorrow or the next day from this nightmare. I'm afraid about tomorrow. I'm scared about what the future holds. Will I be able to fully love another human being after being betrayed and selfishly used like this? Can I still be selfless in a relationship? Can I still trust another person? Will I not be skeptic about every guy that tries to talk to me? When will I stop thinking negative things about every faggot I see in the streets? When will the bitterness and anger leave and depart from my heart?

Update Deux

0800pm
You know, when I was trying to fall asleep this morning, images of Bryan intimate with another man wouldn't leave my mind. I was sickened with the thought of it. I finally fell asleep, but the moment I woke up, there it was again.. feelings of sadness, disgust, anger, guilt, confusion, and weakness. On my way to the church and while I was sitting there, even on my way for communion, I was preoccupied with disturbing thoughts about Bryan and things gay people do in bed. I was imagining him behind another man fucking the guy's asshole while caressing the other guy's balls and jacking him off. It was so disturbing but I couldn't help it. My stomach was turning, I was feeling lightheaded, and weak during the mass. I imagined him on top of a guy and once again him caressing the other's faggot's genitals. Then I imagined him sitting on a couch with some faggot riding his dick reverse and traditional "cowgirl" style. I could imagine him in bed (like how he was when he went on cam on skype for me), how his legs were extended. It just dawned on me, maybe that's why he said that he always gets boners but didn't feel the need to jack off. Maybe because when he does, he fantasizes and thinks about fucking other men, and maybe because he "said" that he didn't want to be gay, so he tried to avoid it. I'm not sure. I'm still lost. Maybe that's why when he beat it on cam, he doesn't really look at me. And it's like there's not one bit of excitement on his face. Maybe that's why he cums when he jacks off because he tries to suppress his desires for other men. I would really like to ask him and find out if his dad ever touched him as a kid. I'm curious to know the cause of him being a homosexual. I'm confused as to how he is god damn sure that he's gay if he's never been with another man before. Maybe he lied about it, like he always did, always does, and always will. I can't help but think that all those times he went on skype, he was imagining a MAN with him. It sickens me. I want to puke, but I hate puking. I'm disgusted at the thought that I had once fantasized about cuddling and making love with this man. This guy, Bryan Bogevard, from Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada--a guy whom I never met, but loved truly, madly, and deeply with my whole heart. The guy I stuck with no matter how hurtful it was for me. The guy, who after I found out he was gay, I even tried to give him a pep talk about self-acceptance. The guy I left after I promised I wasn't going anywhere. The guy I can't stand gone from my life. The guy I loved so, so, so much and still do, and probably always will. This guy that I when I see him, I see a little, broken, boy who his father rejected, and needed love and care from me. I still see that little boy in Bryan. That's why I love him. I want to protect him from any further pain. But what can I do when wanting to shelter him from further pain in the world is killing me slowly? (0812pm)
0813pm
Lord, please make the day that I forgive Bryan and forget everything come soon. I don't know how much longer I can stay like this. It's ruining me. It's killing me inside.